when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
