Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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