I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
