i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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