I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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