currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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