just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
