yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
