Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
