So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
