So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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