My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
