i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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