Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
