Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
