separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
