I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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