Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
it's like iHOP with fire
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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