Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
