Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
