I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
