I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
