I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
