so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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