When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
