smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
