I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
