my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
