god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Randomize
