do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
