I wish I could punch you in the face.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
