I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
