I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
