I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
