don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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