I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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