I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
