please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
