So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
