I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
