I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
