I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
