now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
