Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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