Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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