there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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