Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
No...this little piggys going to the bar
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
