Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I need a burrito and a hug.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
