forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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