Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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